Meet Billy, a volunteer
Billy MacDonald a volunteer with Aberdeen Palliative Care Unit, Board Member of Aberdeen Palliative Care Society, and team member of Palliative Care Support Group (PALS)
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Q, What led to your involvement in Palliative?
My mother spent two years in hospital with TB. As a boy I spent a lot of time with her, often I ended up going to the hospital with her because there was no other place I could stay at that time. We lived in a rural area. Looking back the important message she left with me was to "never forget about the sick or dying". So eventually, this was imprinted within me. Growing up also there were people close to me that I encountered as a young person, when they passed, they were often laid to rest in their homes for viewing. This was a common practice and one which made me personally feel more comfortable with death. There was a comfort level. The local community had to step up at that time. This is sort of like what is happening now with people wishing to die at home. With Covid, those who are ill are staying home for longer periods of time. So, in comparison to many years ago, people generally did try to die at home, especially in a rural area. And, certainly, the remains were viewed in their own homes. So, in many ways I grew up in this type of environment. Many years later I would see birth and death throughout an outdoor nature camp for children and adults that I ran that finished up around the same time I joined palliative care as a volunteer. Dr Gerry Farrell had been my family doctor for a short period of time before he went to the palliative care unit as Director. He was a big reason that I became a volunteer there, after my hospital course. I and others knew of him as a doctor with a soft and loving approach in his practise, this along with his love and an eye for outdoor nature and landscape photography all lead me to my volunteerism within palliative work. Also, his interest in photography sometimes brought him out to the area where I lived and ran my nature camp. He was authentic and trusting. Death, dying, nature, flora and fauna, there are all connected.
Q, How is your time in the palliative unit coordinated?
We are on a schedule. Maybe three Tuesdays per month, or if we have extra time, we will do more visits or more time within the unit. Our Volunteer Coordinator schedules us in. Usually a three-hour shift. Morning, afternoon, and evening shifts.
Q, Tell me about a typical visit there, pre pandemic:
often, I would drive into New Glasgow on my scooter, so when I got there I'd have to settled myself into the surroundings of the unit, from my drive in. I have my own personal mediation and my own way to unwind and move into the present. I would sign in and observe the protocol in place. Maybe it is going to the kitchen and doing the dishes, or into the family room area. Of course now there is no visitation from volunteers within the unit, COVID19 has greatly changed all of this. But prior to this, I often did not visit the patients within their rooms, or in their space, unless of course they have not had regular visitors. This (time within the unit) is all done with utmost confidentiality. I sometimes play the flute at the entrance of the unit, maybe just a few notes, softly, deeply, the sound is not harsh… the sound drifts. I play this for the family and loved ones. All the while there is always an awareness of what is going on in the unit, perhaps someone has recently passed away or if some are very near death, the family members may be upset, so this is something that you must constantly be aware of. Many times, I know of someone personally within the unit. It is a small community. Friendships were established outside of the unit sometimes. I grew up for the most part in Pictou West, so I know a lot of people, because of this I will often schedule an additional visit so I can ensure I see the person again. Each visit there is always different and unpredictable. I approach my visits within the unit as though I am a witness. Awareness of what is going on within the unit I feel is a skill. You can take as many workshops as you want, but really, to be aware is key. We're all still growing. It is all an inner journey, one where your heart must be present.
Q, how comfortable are you with your own death?
I really don’t know. I have been around it (death) a lot. It is difficult for me to sit in a room and talk about dying without reflecting that this will someday be me. There tends to be a softening of one’s essence with the realization of one’s death. But really, through our own life we have experienced little deaths along the way with losses. These losses could be a friendship, a pet…when we are in a room where one is dying, I feel there is something I am gaining through this. There is something spiritually fulfilling about this. At the same time, it is not why you are there. It is awfully hard, a hard job if you are dying. Some people have said “I didn’t realize it was going to be this hard”. But how one presents themselves through dying is quite a gift for those left behind. How one presents themselves through dying is a testimony on how they want to be remembered. I think there is a lot of truth in this, how the dignity that one holds comes through. It (death) is not always pretty and it’s never probably going to be the way you want to be, we tend to romanticize this. At the same time there are cultures who reflect on death to live deeper. It is really all about living life today more deeply, joyful, and meaningful. An appreciation for being here right now. Because life is fleeting, and it is not always going to be here. It is not an easy sell. So, when you are dying, if you have not reflected on it, there’s a possibility that it is a bit too late to try to start figuring it out then. In the end we really don't want to be forgotten. I would hope that even in my own pending death I would try to live life to its fullest. I would hope I would be able to have this conversation with you. I think it is not getting really caught up in how we’re supposed to die, but to just be open to what is. But we are a culture who very much wants to be in control. We are addicted to the perfect delivery of everything. The perfect display, perfect arrangement. We become addicted to this, but death is not this way. How you live your life now is how you will accept your death. Death is typically not something we accept.
Q, Your thoughts on assisted death?
As I said previously, our culture romanticizes death. We want it to be perfect. There are situations where this is not always available. Often, we as human beings want to take the easy way. The critical culture needs to ask what we gain by assisted death, and more so
what we have lost. Question, if we go this way (assisted death), what are we losing. If we are not in severe pain… “the little death”, those sleeps that are so exhausted that we have a beautiful sleep… the “big death” possibly the big deaths can be like this as well. For many cases, we tend to be guilty because we are dependent on others during our death, but maybe through their dying we have given others a gift through the process. In a solid culture, death is a natural process and those who get left behind learn from this. Assisted death is neither good nor bad, it just isn’t the answer to it all. There are things gained as well as lost through the process.
Q, How has the pandemic changed the PALS (Palliative Care Support Group) sessions?
We have moved to virtual meetings as opposed to the physical meetings now that were held at Trinity Church in New Glasgow. Typically, we had a guest speaker come in, a lunch served to our group, in person conversations, which I felt was so much better. Friendships got formed within the group etc. but now our meetings are moving into the virtual direction. Now of course it has really moved this way because of the pandemic. My hope is that we do not lose the value of the physical meetings. Where this is all going really is in the early stages, but it is quite easy now to fall into the virtual because currently this is our only choice. Again, what are we losing with this (virtual). With every gain, a loss. With the new generation coming up, those who have their own illnesses, they may have a more openness to the virtual meetings, to the Zoom, but I feel they won’t really know what they’re missing either. Virtual is more natural to the younger generation, but my hope is that there will always be a place for in person gatherings and discussion.
Q, What are you reading? Where do you derive inspiration?
I look inward. I dabble with poetry and I journal, I find my own words, my own music. The music, the songs, this is all within. One’s inspiration comes from various things, experiences, it’s all a personal journey, and once we start being more confident in your own being, your own essence through inward work this reflects on a very personal type of poetry, song or silence. So, my inspiration comes from within. When I play my flute for example in the unit, the flute plays me. I have some similar notes of course, but I follow where the sound and notes take me. I think we all have our own inner intelligence and beauty for inspiration.
But for my volunteerism within the palliative unit and the society, I reflect on my mother's words "don't forget about the sick and dying".